Take the quiz

The Butt Oath.

swear off dry paper.

One promise, said out loud in your bathroom. Sign it, get on the ASSJET list, and join the people who already did.

Swear the oath See who did

You would never do this to a plate.

A white plate smeared with chocolate next to a dirty paper towel, captioned: wipe it with dry paper, still dirty

Chocolate on a plate. Wipe it dry and it is still there, just spread nicer. Nobody washes dishes with a dry napkin. Somehow that is normal for the one spot where it matters most.

Water fixes the plate. Water fixes the other thing too. That is the whole idea.

The numbers are real. Sadly.

A single toilet paper roll on a tree stump in a cleared forest: americans use 36 billion rolls a year, 15 million trees

Americans use about 36 billion rolls of toilet paper a year. That is about 15 million trees (Scientific American, 2009).

Making one roll takes 6 to 36 gallons of water, depending on who counts. A bidet wash takes about an eighth of a gallon (a peer-reviewed dermatology paper, 2023).

We are not saving the planet. We are selling a knob. But it is a better knob than a forest.

History agrees. Loosely.

A T. rex watching a meteor, a toilet roll at its feet: the dinosaurs never had bidets, look what happened
A marble bust of a philosopher: know thyself, wash thyself

The dinosaurs had no bidets. Look what happened. (We checked nothing. Correlation is a free country.)

Take the oath.

The Butt Oath

I, friend, of sound mind and unconvinced butt, swear:

  1. To stop just moving it around.
  2. To never call it "fine" when it is not clean.
  3. To tell one friend. Gently. At a normal hour.
  4. To keep it a little funny and a lot clean.
Signed, with a straight face.

You are sworn in.

It is on file, and so are you. One email, the second there is something to buy. Meanwhile, find out which bathroom god you are.

Not on sale yet. Signing charges nothing and promises nothing but a heads-up.

The ones who swore.

The count shows up when 10 people have signed. Be one of the first.

What is the catch?

Is the bidet real?

Yes. A real attachment from a real factory: one knob, no plug, cold water. We test the first small batch ourselves before anyone is asked to pay.

What do I get for signing?

The list hears first, the second there is something to buy, and we tell you the price before anyone else. That is the whole deal. No discount is promised.

Will you sell my email?

No. One email when it is ready, the occasional joke, and a one-click unsubscribe in each.

What if I only wanted the joke?

Then take the quiz instead. No one is judging. Well, Hades is.